well Dustin's birthday came and went without him.I can't belief my son is 12 and is not here.I have so many questions, and nowhere to get the answers.Does he age up there or will he always be 11?Does he remember me or am I just part of his past?Does he miss me or is he OK with it? I have wondered if he is standing by the gate with those big puppy dog eyes asking my Dad..wheres mommy?when is she coming as tears roll down his cheeks or is he off climbing trees and running in the sun.Neither picture brings me comfort I don't want him sad but the thought of him being happy without me hurts too. I'm so confused I don't know what to think or do anymore, my brain is mush.These past 10 months I have learned alot about myself and others.The people I thought that would be by my side and help me with this have turned their back on me.I am trying to understand and I do realize that the sight of me reminds them that their biggest fear can become reality and that bad things happen to good people but where does that leave me?ALONE thats where.I have been trying to wear my mask at all times but I can't.It hurts so bad. Ever aspect of my life is affected and I still relive those 1st few days daily.I just want my boy back. I spent years splitting my time between Dustin and Robyn I just don't know how to change that. I feel like everyday I CHOOSE Robyn over him and I hate, just hate that feeling. I don't know how to do this anymore, I don't WANT to do this..Damn it God, why don't you listen to me, why have you abandoned me too? Please, please help make this pain stop and give me him back