I went into Walmart today just to get everyday supplies.I thought it would be ok, boy was I wrong.The Christmas Songs were playing and the shoppers seemed so happy discussing what they were buying and for who.The joy of the holidays is gone from me.It's hard to explain other than I feel so dark and alone. I had the "pull" to go to the boys section and as I looked around I felt so out of place.I knew I didn't belong in there anymore so I started to leave and I seen it.A John Cena t-shirt, All I could think of was Bubba doing his. "You Can't See Me"bit. I just stood there with tears in my eyes and I had to buy it. I wasnt sure what I was going to do with it all I knew was I HAD to buy it for Dustin. I didn't think the day could get any worse and then the cashier told me the lady in front of me just lost her husband and then she asked..."Could you think of anything worse than that"? Lets just say she won't ask that again. I got in the truck and I was so mad..poor Rob that man gets it all the time.I showed him the Cena shirt and was trying to explain it when he said...that will go perfect on Dustin's quilt. I am thankful I have such a great husband who understands me and why I do things.Yet when I look at him I just wanna cry, he IS a great Dad who always takes care of his children and loves them with all his heart. So why doesnt he get to raise his son?There are so many dead beat dads in this world , why would God take a good fathers child. Just 1 more reason why I have issues with God. I miss Dusty so bad theres times I feel I cannot go on without him and then I remember Robyn and I know I cannot leave her.I feel like I have to choose 1 child over the other ..but why? why can't I have both my children.