A new year is suppose to bring new hopes and dreams but for me it has brought more sadness. I find myself so numb inside and disconnected from everything and everybody. I no longer recognize the woman that stares back at me in the mirror. The longing for Dustin goes stronger with each passing moment. I find myself zoning out more and more each day to happier days. Robyn’s 15th birthday is tomorrow and although I know it should be an exciting milestone I can’t help but cry. I will never see Dustin accomplish this. I will never know what it is like to have a teenage son. I sit and try to picture him at that age but all I get is questions. How tall would he be? Would his voice be changing? Would he still hold my hand when we walk? Would we still have our dates? I will never get the answers to these questions for my son is frozen in time at 11. Yesterday at a friends house her 2 kids were fighting and like every other mom she was getting frustrated with it and was steady telling them to stop it. I couldn’t help but look at her and say….you know that’s one of the things I miss most as soon as I said it I felt bad. The look on her face spoke volumes. I was the same way Dustin and Robyn had their arguments too and on some days I would wish and pray for it to just stop, and on May 24 all the pain and numbness eased for a minute and at that moment I realized just how much I lost. It was quiet, something I had prayed many times for, something I no longer wanted. Yes God had granted that prayer and I have spent every day since praying for it to go back to the way it use to be, but the silence in the house remains. I would give anything to hear those 2 fight again. I guess Rob was right ….. ”Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it”