Tomorrow is Christmas, our 2nd one without Dustin. Rob and Robyn are off to church and I am once again left alone. These last 2 days have been one emotional ride after another. Yesterday I tried for the 1st time not to “visit” Dustin. Instead of walking in to see him we pulled over on the main road and said a few words to him from the truck. As we pulled away it hit me and hit me hard. All I could picture was him jumping up and down so excited that we came but as we left his smile faded to that sad look, the one I have become so use to seeing. I kept telling myself “this is what you are suppose to do” but the more I told myself that the worse I felt. I couldn’t handle it, so around 9 p.m. I snuck in for my daily visit. As I stood there in the dark I made a promise to myself… I will not let anyone tell me that I should be ready, to do something when I know deep in my heart that I am not. Today has been just as crappy as yesterday. I miss Dustin so much, all I can think of is the way my life should be… I should be worried about stocking stuffers, if all the presents are wrapped, tracking Santa for Bubba, trying to decide what cookies to leave out but instead I sit in my pj’s at the computer crying and hoping I get my Christmas wish but knowing deep down inside I won’t. That’s right tomorrow will come and Bubba will not. OH God I miss my boy!! How do I teach Robyn to have faith and to believe when I no longer do? I would give anything to have him back. I just want to pull him close, hold him tight against my body,breath in his scent and tell him how much I love him.. I know I tell him it every day but does he hear me? Does he even recognize me with all the changes I have been thru? Does he see how lost I am without him? Does he even remember me? Why oh why? Why me? Why my child? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? OH GOD I HATE THIS! As Much as I do YOU!!