I hurt so bad right now and as usual nobody is around to help me through this, so once again I run to this journal in hopes that it will help. I brought this on myself today I let people tell me once again what I should do.People that have no idea what this is like. I have grown tired of everyone telling me that I am "damaging" Robyn by "not celebrating the holidays like I should" so I tried to put up some decorations today .I have fought with this for days but decided that I atleast had to try for her.I wouldn't go big, just enough to let her feel the holiday spirit and to show her how much I love her.As I searched the 1st box for the outside lights I found the reindeer ornament Dustin made out of his hand/footprint and the pain just shot through me .I stood there in the garage crying until I could pull myself together to continue.With each box I opened the pain got worse until I was on the floor shouting at God for what he has done to me..I just can't do it...I wanted so bad to surprise her but I just can't.Nobody understands how difficult this is on me.I lost so much that day.Dustin believed in Santa whole heartedly and looking at Christmas through his eyes just made it all seem so magical.Dec. was always busy with decorating,baking and making sure Santa knew where we where and what we wanted. I don't know how many times I too sat on Santa's lap and gave him my list. But now....the innocence is gone, and the season is just a cruel reminder of what is missing.I don't feel the specialness of the season,I don't feel anything magical either, all I feel is emptiness and pain..pain that washes over my entire body. I wish people would put themselves in my shoes for just a moment and see what this month is like through the eyes of a grieving mother.....pure hell