It's been awhile since I wrote in here. It's not because I am doing great, but because I am trying to find things to do so I don't think about Friday. I can't believe it has been almost 1 year. How can that be possible? It feels like Dustin has been gone for so much longer but the pain of losing him is a fresh as it were yesterday. So in the last few days I have went to Kennedy School to get the list of children for graduation day, it was so hard to walk through those doors it was like a knife being jabbed into my chest and then steady being twisted.. I found myself looking for him to come running down the hall but he never came and I left in more pain than I went with. I also went and seen Mrs.Woods at her new school and gave her a bleeding heart, a boy angel and a girl angel. Just the sight of her brought tears to my eyes. We even stopped in to see the tree the school planted in Bubba's honor even the sight of that brought me to my knees.Why do all my memories of my son have to be bad ones. When I close my eyes even for a moment, I "see" him, I see him laying in that casket so pale,cold and stiff.Why do I continue to see this? I try to think of happier times but I just can't push these images thru. I am still having issues with flashing lights and hearing things. I hear daily the things people said those 1st few days and I hear the god awful sound Dustin made when Rob layed him in my arms for the last time. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Everybody around has "moved on" and put this behind them but I CAN'T!!! I am always going to be the mother that "lost her son",I will always long for the child ripped from my arms, I will always be reminded of the price I paid for being a "careless" mother and a failure as a nurse.. so why? why must I see my son like that? I ask GOD, I beg him please help me, but like always.... I'm all alone with these thoughts and images.