The last few days have been just horrible.So many emotions are hitting me all at once I feel like i'm going nuts.Everywhere I go there is a reminder of what I lost and will never have and I can't take it much more. I see Dustin's shoes just sitting in the closet,his coat hangs where I placed it,his 4 wheeler has dust on the seat,his rollerblades have cobwebs on the still tied laces and his bike he got for his birthday the color is starting to fade. All of Dustin "stuff" just sits and waits for him to touch them, just like me.I hate that I have all these boy things and no boy.Why did God chose him? When I go out it's just as bad I see little boys running in the sun,fathers playing catch with them or a mother holding their hands and I think about happier times when I had it all. I still question why me and why my boy but i'm begin to realize I will never know the answer. April is such a hard month on me, i am trying to keep myself busy but there is just so much 1 person can do. I try to talk to Rob about it but I'm scared to add to his grief so I just keep it to myself.I have tried to talk to other people about it too but how do I get them to see the struggle i'm having if they have not went through it themselves and this is something I wouldn't want any mother to understand. This month alone I have to face Dustin's birthday,my birthday which is on the 23 and marks 11 months since his accident and the 7 year mark of my fathers passing.This is just to much to handle at once, and then I think...Corrina you idiot if you can't handle this month how will you do May? How do I face May 23 knowing it marks 1 year since I held my son,1 year since I heard him speak or laugh, 1 year since I seen him smile. Oh God.. just typing it makes me sick. I never realized just how long 1 year was until now and I hate that my broken down, wounded, half there body has managed to survive this long without him..I miss him so, I would give anything for just 1 more minute with him. I just want to hold him close, shower him with kisses and hugs, look into those baby blues and tell him just how much I love him but I know I will never get that, instead I get to live with horrible images of him after the accident,hearing the Dr.'s voices and thousands of regrets and a million what if's....and people have the nerve to tell me..God Loves you......yea right he has a funny way of showing it!!