Well today has been just as bad as I thought it would be.I am glad the site is back up so I can write in this journal again, so much as happened in these past 3 weeks and it all seems to be jumbled up in my head. I went to the Dr.'s again and she told me I need more counsling than i'm getting,she suggest I go every week.Is she for real, every week, am I really that messed up? Deep down inside I know the answer,YES.I continue to relive those days over and over again and as if those images aren't disturbing enough I now imagine what his body looks like. I know how bad that sounds but those images just "pop" in my head.Why? another question I cannot answer.I cannot believe it has been 8 months.I've never realized just how long 8 months was until now.My arms continue to ache for him and the yearning to hold/see him continues to grow with each moment.I am afraid of whats happening to me, i feel so alone and lost I cannot explain.The only thing I think about is Dustin and how I need him.It has been so long since I've seen his dirty face, him wearing those ripped jeans,his socks thrown all over and hearing him beg to play the gamecube or on the computer.OH God I miss him so.Please... you lost a son once too,please spare me a lifetime of pain and give me him back .I need him so