Well tomorrow makes 15 months and 1 week since i held my son.How can that be? It seems like it has been so much longer and then again it sees like it was yesterday.I was told that after awhile I would stop counting the days, another lie.I am completely aware of the time.How could a mother ever forget?I have been having a rough time lately.I'm not sure if it is because of the date,the fact school is getting ready to start or just all the talk about Dustin.I miss my baby.It seems that lately thats all I say and how much I want him back. I would do anything to see him jump out from his hiding place and yell BOO. I keep waiting but he doesn't show. I hate this!The pain is so intense I don't know how i have survived this long.All I know is that every morning as I open my eyes, I pray it was only a dream. Everybody thinks because i'm mad at God I don't pray, but I do...I pray everyday that this was only a nightmare.Then I sit up and it hits me and I struggle to get out of bed.Day after day the same prayer.How can a loving father watch his child suffer like this? Yesterday Robyn filled out her 8th grade page in her school book, she added her awards and report card and filled in the lines about what she liked best,her friends ect. As she did that I added to Dustin's book.I did NOT list his 6th grade friends,his report card or any award, nope I got to add thank you cards from businesses for the donation we made in Dustin's memory...In his memory, is not suppose to be in a childs school book, yet my son has it in his 5th and 6th grade years.I feel so cheated, I want to be the woman I use to be, i want to complain about my kids fighting...but most of all I want to be the mother I was suppose to be, of a boy and a girl who live until after i'm gone.